Boy am I fighting it today. It seems like more days than not I am struggling with this demon. Depression, a battle I’ve been fighting most of my life. I guess in reality, I’m not “fighting” it today at all. I took my pills and a shower, that’s about it. I’m too tired to get dressed. Too weighed down to do anything but lay around. All I want to do is sleep, but I know I won’t be able too, besides I know it won’t do any good.
I’m sure the stress is adding to it. I’ve got a lot to do. A lot that should be on my mind, but in rebellion, my mind just seems to shut down. Restaurant opening in two days. I’ve only heard from my partner once in two weeks.License’s need renewed. Taxes need paid. Checks need to be covered. My CAT scan shows no stones, which means they are going to have to do some evasive tests. I hate that they keep saying bladder cancer. I’m afraid my oldest son is drinking way too much. He lost his apt and is moving back here. My middle son just discovered his pregnant wife was cheating on him…again, and yet had to let her stay or watch her move miles away with our granddaughter and unborn child. My youngest child is lost and I’m afraid he won’t find his way. Rent is due and there is no money there. I have friends who are calling in their loans and I have nothing to give them but promises.
Thank God I have Troy, who is keeping me sane (relatively) and promising me that we are going to get through all this. I wish my physical reaction to all this was to fight and fight hard but for some reason my fucking body just shuts down. Troy shouldn’t have to carry me or take on responsibilities that aren’t his. I feel like an added burden to his life. Praying tomorrow is a better day.
Between the Gutter and the Stars 
I’m so fearful that Julian won’t do what needs to be done – as a man, as a provider, as a father. He seems to drag his heels to secure real employment, smokes too much pot and can’t break out of his own depression. Sometimes I don’t know what will become of him and it makes me afraid for him. I never talk to anyone about this – on the surface it seems like everyone else’s adult children are so successful, so “adult.” – because I feel like a failure. I know this isn’t true, but it sure seems like it.
Failure is the word I just used with Troy. We both know everyone has to find their own paths, We are were both great moms! I just thought they would be smarter than we were at that age. Troy assured me that most 20 somethings are a mess.